Yesterday I was walking past the living room where Chris was reading in our white recliner when I realized I forgot to grab something in the next room. I don’t even remember what it was. I quickly set my full glass of water down on our antique secretary (a gorgeous piece of furniture that has been in my family for about 75 years) for just a second to grab that something.

Chris immediately reacted, “No, don’t set your water there!” To which I responded, “It’s okay. I know. I’m literally taking five steps and coming right back to get it.” He pushed back, “That’s the nicest piece of furniture we own. Do not set it there. Just hand it to me. I’ll hold it.” I blew up. “I am FULLY aware it’s the nicest piece of furniture we own! I know better than to leave something wet or cold on it. I’m just…” Then he reached over to grab my water. I grabbed it first. I was furious. He was alarmed by my rage, “How is it mean that I wanted to keep you from setting your water there? Why are you so upset?” (Yep, those are the kinds of fights that we have. Surprisingly intense battles over small offenses. Disagreements around big issues rarely generate heat.)

THE STORY I TOLD MYSELF

It took me a few seconds before I realized what had happened within me and was able to calm myself down. The story I had told myself within seconds of Chris’s request to pick up the water was that he thought I was irresponsible and didn’t care about the beautiful piece of furniture. My claws shot out instantly. I felt accused and attacked.

Once I realized I was what behind my anger, I was able to release it and calm down.

Defending Our EGOS

It occurred to me… Is this what happens when someone accuses us of being racially insensitive (or offensive in any way)? We are more concerned about defending ourselves (our “goodness”) that we are too stubborn to pick up the damn glass and respect the other person? We are more concerned about protecting our ego than about caring for the well-being of the other person and assuming good intent?

Our survival-based nature is to valiantly defend our ego, the persona that we are always trying to be. But our ego isn’t worth defending. It is not helpful! It is constantly criticizing us, trying to keep us safe and small, and it prevents us from connecting deeply with others. 

I realize my story may seem trivial but it was really humbling to me how quickly and fiercely I responded to such a minor accusation.

 

Handling Difficult Feedback

The experience offered a powerful perspective for me to keep in mind next time someone gives me difficult feedback – whether I deserve it or not. I’m not perfect, and neither is anyone else. And it’s our imperfections that connect us. Instead of exploding in defense of my ego (which only cultivates more anger and shame), I want to own that I’ve upset someone and take a few moments to get curious about where it came from. Only then can I consciously decide how I want to respond instead of just responding how my ego advises. 

It seems to me that an important start to addressing biases and racism is open and honest curiosity – of our own perceptions AND the perceptions of others.

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