Manipulation & Counterproduction

People pleasing is often manipulative and counterproductive. When I try to please others, I attach strings to my words and actions, trying to manipulate people to like me. Nobody likes to feel controlled or manipulated! Also, people pleasing sucks the life out of me because I am often rejecting myself in the process and feeling like a big phony.

I don’t want to stop caring about what other people think. (That’s a superpower of mine, and I believe it helps me to connect with and serve others well!) I just want to stop trying to get people to like me.

Recently, I attended a networking event (I attend several per month) and saw a woman who I so respect and admire. She’s strong and articulate, and she truly doesn’t seem to care what people think about her. I actually get a little nervous around her because I want her to like me so much! I want to connect with her and imbibe some of her emotional toughness. When I spoke with her, I tried hard to impress her by complimenting her on her ability to maneuver in and out of conversations gracefully, but my words came out all jumbled. As I was speaking, internally I was judging myself. “WTH you sound like you are complimenting her for being good at being a snob!” “You are totally ass-kissing!” “Why do you try so hard to impress her? She’s just a person!” I then proceeded to ramble about something else for a moment or two before she gracefully floated away from me.

Self Shame

I immediately felt the warm wash of shame. “Ugh, she thinks I’m pathetic, a wannabe. Maybe I am.” I started to feel painfully self-conscious and question why I ever go to any networking event EVER. I became stressed about how I should act and talk for the remainder of the event. I decided to play it safe and small by bouncing around among the people I already knew, the few people who make me feel comfortable. (I hope to always be one of those people to others!) It gave me a chance to breathe, get out of my emotionally-hijacked state, look objectively at the situation, and recover.

After about 20 minutes, I was back on my emotional feet, though admittedly a little weaker than usual, and I was enjoying myself, making deeper connections with people I already knew and meeting a few new wonderful people.

Where I Desire Growth

I am so thankful for this experience because it shined a spotlight on an area where I desire MASSIVE growth. The incident was not isolated. I frequently act out of a desire to people please/be liked by them. Even with my own family, I sometimes attach strings to the work I do, especially when I really don’t have the time or desire to do the work. I expect them to be happy with ME, to show me even more love (e.g., after I make a nice meal, do their laundry, clean the house, take them shopping, help with homework, etc.). When they don’t respond with gratitude, I get resentful and our relationship suffers.

My plan this week for tackling my manipulative people-pleasing tendencies:

1. Check my intention. Am I doing/saying this to be liked or appreciated? Or, am I doing this because I will feel good about doing it? Two very different intentions. Then, either opt out of OR shift my intention to something that has no strings attached.
2. Recognize and articulate MY boundaries. Is it good for me to do/say this right now? What’s okay/not okay with me? This is REALLY hard for someone who is always thinking about what is okay/not okay with others! Again, I don’t want to lose the superpower. I just need to tune into ME more faithfully and be okay sharing or acting upon my preferences.
3. Continue to post here. Practice sharing/speaking without the intention of being liked. “Likes” that comes from people pleasing behaviors is not true connection. If I write these posts to please you/get you to like me, I will say NOTHING substantive, and I will not grow my courage at all. Nor will I inspire you to be vulnerable, which is the primary goal for #VulnerabilityConnects.