I’m learning how to breathe.

About ten years ago, a masseuse with 35+ years of experience abruptly stopped while massaging my back and looked intensely into my eyes with an almost apologetic curiosity. She said my neck and shoulders were the tightest and most knotted she had ever felt, and she asked if I was okay.

I started storing tension when I was young. It was just how I unconsciously processed my life experiences. I was an extremely shame-prone kid by nature. When I would make a mistake, I wouldn’t think “oops” and self-correct. Instead, I believed I was bad/stupid/unlikeable/flawed, and I tried to hide imperfections. In my late teens, I did acquire a growth mindset – with the help of a therapist – and moved forward with optimism, but I never did process the shame and pain I had accumulated up to that point. Nor had I learned how to effectively release stress from my body. 

TENSION WAS STILL HIDING AND BUILDING  

Shortly after my experience with the masseuse, I started working on healing my body by focusing on my emotional well-being, and I made significant progress. I was able to stop taking medicine for chronic reflux that I had been taking daily for 25 years (started age 15), and I gradually stopped experiencing other symptoms like chronic headaches and jaw tightness. But there was one last symptom that wouldn’t budge, a persistent abdominal pain.

I’m now so thankful for that pain because it made me realize how much tension and tightness I still had trapped inside my body, almost all of the time. That tension made me feel like I always needed to be moving – doing something active, playing, talking, cleaning, you name it. Otherwise, it would ache. It was harmless and made me productive, but I am now realizing the movement prevented me from dealing with the pain. I didn’t want to sit in my tension, so I literally just wouldn’t sit.

This is where “breath” enters my story. 

BREATH MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE

Although I had been doing yoga on and off for over ten years, I had always halfheartedly followed the breathing prompts. I was too busy thinking about doing the posture right and/or being distracted by my monkey brain. Not anymore. Over the past year, I have been much more focused on my breath and relaxing my face and neck. I still have to self-correct about every 30 seconds. (I’ve self-corrected multiple times while typing this.) But I’m getting better and am practicing the same awareness and intention of calm outside of yoga, especially in emotionally charged situations.

I’m learning how to allow my emotions to go through me by breathing through them instead of keeping them inside where they are destructive to my body. I’m learning how to communicate to my body that there is no saber tooth tiger in the room.

Seemingly out of nowhere, despite all of the stress and fear associated with covid, my persistent and stress-related abdominal pain is 97% gone. 

HOW YOU BREATHE IS HOW YOU LEAD

I’m continuing to let go of my stored tension (new and old) one deep breath at a time. I’m giving my body the oxygen it needs to thrive, and it feels so important. That is why I am sharing my story.

I want to encourage everyone to remember perhaps the simplest, certainly the cheapest and safest, tip for taking care of yourselves during this time of stress and uncertainty: Breathe.

A colleague of mine recently said, “How you breathe is how you lead.” When holding my breath, I lead myself/others with stress and anxiety. When breathing short shallow breaths, I am distracted and rushed. I want to lead with depth and calm, so I shall breathe accordingly.

 

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