I WANTED TO GIVE UP

I wanted to scream and cry and give up my business forever. My jaw was locked, my fists were tight. It was an uncomfortable and fascinating place to be. I felt physically strong and really wanted to destroy something – throw something, slam a door, shatter a plate. Self-defeating raced through my head. Fury coursed through my veins. I was in the throes of an attempted emotional hijacking.

Thankfully, I knew the source of my abusive thoughts. They were messages from my ego trying to keep me safe, swiftly labeling things and people as good and bad. What are you thinking? See, this whole business thing is a BAD idea. Stop before it gets any worse. You can’t do this. It’s too much work. You suck. The people working with you are doing a bad job or else you wouldn’t have this problem. Stay away from this type of project altogether – better yet, your entire business – or you’re going to be dealing with this ALL the time, so much miserable and wasted time and energy.

I didn’t try to interrupt the thoughts or emotions, because I believe that, while in an emotional state, trying to stop destructive thoughts just pushes them into my unconscious. There they stay trapped, alive and well, feeding on my fear of facing them again.

I Asked for Help… 

Typically I go inward and process these emotionally-charged experiences on paper, but on this day, I opted to talk it out. I found my husband, Chris. He was sitting at his desk quietly reading. “Can I talk to you for about 10 minutes?” I aggressively asked. Before he could answer, I continued, “First you need to know I’m super frustrated with something. It has nothing to do with you. I don’t want you to get angry or try to fix or ask a bunch of questions or feel sorry for me. I just really want you to just listen to it all and acknowledge that it all just sucks, okay? That’s it. You up for it?”

Thankfully, he put his book down on the floor next to him, looked right into my eyes, and calmly said, “I’ll try my best. What’s going on?” I immediately felt tension release and my mind expand. I proceeded to explain as objectively as possible what was happening with my project. Most of the challenges were due to my own naiveté. I was trying to do work outside of my area of expertise. I was being stubborn and shy about asking for help, even though I knew I needed it, desperately. As I explained the situation, Chris tried to interrupt twice. Each time he did, I opened my eyes really wide. I gave him a look that said unequivocally, You better not break the rules! He stopped himself both times, admitting that in fact he was wanting to say something intended to fix the problem. He knew it was too early for that.

 … AND He Delivered

For about ten minutes of sharing the facts and vulnerably sharing the meaning I was assigning to the facts, my breathing was back to normal and the tension within me was released. As promised, Chris responded with, “That sounds really frustrating, and I know how important this project is to you.” That was exactly what I needed to hear. My emotion had finally gone through me, and I was finally ready to problem solve. I asked for Chris’s thoughts and questions, and we came up with my next step as well as a way to prevent the issue from happening again. 

In all, it was only about 20 minutes before I cheerfully (not exaggerating) went back upstairs and called the person I should have called in the first place. The person was gracious and helpful, and 30 minutes later, all of my issues were resolved. I hung up feeling gratitude for the person who helped me, for Chris, and for the process I followed to stay centered. I was clear and productive for the remainder of the day, as if nothing had ever happened, and Chris carried on with his reading and felt good that he was able to help.

 

What if I Had Been Emotionally Hijacked? 

Let’s think of how it likely would have gone if I would have gotten emotionally hijacked. I can play this out because sometimes I do get emotionally hijacked, and this is what it looks like! 

In my frustration, I’m enraged and poised for destruction. I go directly to Chris and rant about the situation. He gets angry about the situation, too, and annoyed with me for not taking the obvious right action. I get defensive and feel shame for my lack of competency and insecurity. I think he is a big jerk. My side starts hurting and my whole body feels tight. The stress escalates, and I throw something or explode into tears, feeling like a victim. Eventually I do make the phone call, but I’m so upset and ashamed. The person on the phone hears my energy and feels awful for upsetting me so much. The whole experience consumes my entire day because I have a mess to clean up with Chris and am feeling badly about the way I handled the call.   

The Bottom Line

If you decide to get outside support when you are emotionally charged, it helps to ask the person to listen and trust that you are capable for coming up with your own solution eventually and that you will ask for input when you’re ready. It also helps set boundaries. Mine are:

• No fixing. (It feeds a victim mindset in me.)
• No advice. (It’s annoying and often insulting.)
• No freaking out. (I get pissed off that I have to calm you down.)  
• No getting involved. (I’m a big girl, and I want this challenge to help me grow.)

These boundaries actually lighten the load of the other person! People usually do those things because they want to be helpful. If you enforce those boundaries until you are feeling centered again, they will protect you and the relationship. Once you are centered, you are in a good space to choose whether or not to invite the other person’s input. 

It goes against most people’s nature to just listen and simply acknowledge the suckiness of a situation without doing/saying something to make you feel better, but it really is far more effective and kind. After all, in the end, Chris said very little to me, but I easily solved my dilemma. I just needed to let the emotions go through me first. The bonus is that my boundaries allowed me to feel supported by and connected to him. 

And I didn’t give up.

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