I was recently asked, “How are you able to always have a smile on your face and have such a positive attitude?” If this person would have asked me that question even a year ago, I would have responded with something to the tune of, “When I find myself focusing on negative things, I am able to shift my energy by asking what is the opportunity in this situation… I remember key truths…”

But that’s not what I said. Instead, I said, “By not putting pressure on myself to smile and have a positive attitude. By allowing myself to feel whatever emotion comes up and by sitting in fascination and loving acceptance of it.” She looked at me curiously. I paused, surprised by what had just come out of my mouth so effortlessly. I meant it wholeheartedly. It is my truth now, and it is beautiful.

MY FORMER STRATEGY: positivitY

Yes, where focus goes, energy flows. And we always have a choice where we focus. I’m 100% in support of focusing on that which nourishes you and brings love into this world. However, if we shift our energy before our bodies have had a chance to experience an emotion (especially if we’ve been conditioned to believe that emotion is “bad” or “unsafe”), we miss out on a golden opportunity to release the trigger behind that emotion. And the trigger continues to control our lives. We unconsciously do whatever we can to avoid it, and we have to work hard to “feel better” every time it shows up. This is a much more exhausting way to live!

Let me share an example. Watching other coaches perform triggers in me the emotions and thoughts of insecurity, jealousy, fear, comparison, annoyance, judgment, and smallness…capped off with shame that I am a coach yet am still struggling with these emotions. Oh man, do all of those thoughts and emotions feel UNCOMFORTABLE! In the past, I tried to shift out of them as soon as I felt them coming up for me. I hated them! They represented failure to me! I would dowse them with mantras and positive thoughts. I would focus on the love and beauty inside the other coach and on how great it is that they are also trying to help people. (A rising tide does raise all ships.) And it would work! Within seconds, I was almost always able to feel loving and grateful again, as love comes super easy for me. The smile would remain on my face, and nobody would ever suspect a thing. But I try not to do that anymore.

Now I Practice: NON-RESISTANCE

Now I practice another way of dealing with my emotions that feels much more authentic and loving, and much less exhausting. Now, when I feel those emotions erupting, trying to hijack me, I go inside of me and marvel at them. I don’t try to pray them away or replace them with positive thoughts. They are my humanity. They connect me to you. They are insight into my past. They are my ego trying to keep me alive. Wow. Such depth and brilliance. And as I simply observe those previously considered “bad” emotions, they evaporate and leave me with a deeper wisdom. No effort. Just awareness and acceptance. The whole process takes little effort but lots of courage, and it usually lasts a minute or two. It ends with me loving and accepting myself and thus being inspired to speak and act in a loving way. (Admittedly, sometimes I need to emotionally or physically remove myself from a situation to give myself space to feel my emotions, but the process of observation and acceptance is still the same.)

It may sound woo woo, but it feels like a little bit of heaven on earth to me. It’s why I smile.

Let your goal during this global pandemic, movement toward social justice, election season, etc., be to first really experience and accept (not express!) your emotions inside of you. Then speak and act. That’s how we will bring peace, and God knows we need peace right now.

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