I give up! I’m not going to try to stop or change those judgmental thoughts (about me or anyone else) anymore.

Want to know why? Because when I do, I just end up more disappointed in myself or frustrated for not being able to control them. See, I identify as a loving and accepting person, so when judgmental thoughts come, I don’t want to believe that they are mine. It reminds me of when I was in 7th grade and would ask my mom to drop me off a block away from the movie theater so nobody would see her. I pretended I didn’t have parents. (As if!) In the same way, I want to pretend I don’t have any thought that is incongruent with the “me” that has brought me such a beautiful life. I want to believe I’m only loving and non-judgmental. Ha! One time a tough-minded coach laughed at me when I told her that I don’t talk badly about people behind their backs. It really pissed me off. I thought, “Just because you are mean doesn’t mean everyone is!”

What I’m Learning

Well, what I’m learning is that, as long as I try to ignore and push away judgmental thoughts (toward me or others), the more control they actually have over me. Pushing them away takes lots of energy, and it sends me to a dark place! For example, I was recently at a networking event and heard a woman say something I thought was quite arrogant, and I immediately started to judge her. I even made a comment to my friend sitting next to me. Then I felt badly about judging her. “You’re no better than she is,” I thought. For a few moments, I spiraled down into shame about how arrogant I was and how the woman was just being confident and was the better person. I literally went from judging her to judging me and then to feeling embarrassed and ashamed of myself for the whole judging mess. Wth?! And I’m supposed to be a leadership coach?! (That’s always the last shame punch, as it guarantees a knockout.)

Doing The Real Work

The real work is learning how to let all emotions (including the disgust, annoyance, and distrust) pass through me without judgment of myself, to allow ALL of the thoughts to pass through me without reacting to them. I’m starting to observe and accept parts of me that I have wanted to believe don’t exist. They didn’t serve me well as a child/teenager, so I have worked very hard to silence them. However, if I don’t own those parts of me, they have more control over me than I have over them. The bitch, the slacker, the wimp, the doubter, the neurotic one, the glutton, the slob … They are all here. (They are in all of us! It’s our common humanity.)

Does this mean I’m going to behave in these ways? No way. I am simply observing and allowing the thoughts instead of disowning them and pretending they are not here. For so long I misunderstood meditation and prayer. I had been trying to use them to make those thoughts float away and shift my energy.

Constructive Unfolding

In the example above, a more constructive unfolding would have included: (1) recognizing I was triggered/emotionally hooked, (2) observing my judgment of the woman, and (3) getting curious about why I was so triggered. That’s it. Nowhere in the process do I judge or react to the thoughts (e.g., try to make them go away, gossip about the woman, or give her a disgusted look). By following this process, the thoughts have far less control over me and they don’t snowball into a shame shitstorm.

So this is my intent: No more trying to change my thoughts. Instead, I will remain present and observe my thoughts and emotions without judgment. Simply stay in the present.

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