UNPACKING RESENTMENT

As a human who is naturally attuned to other people’s feelings and values, it can be challenging for me to figure out my own. That’s why I love resentment. 

Recently I agreed to a work-related Zoom meeting on a Saturday. It was the only time my colleagues and I were all available at the same time. I thought it would be fine. I generally work on weekends anyway, and I actually enjoy the peaceful time to catch up on reading and random tasks.

Well, about halfway through our Saturday meeting, I noticed myself feeling impatient and having a hard time focusing. My reaction was strange to me because I was with colleagues I love, and we were doing work I love. When the meeting started to run longer than scheduled, I felt trapped. I’m done. I need to go. Omg why are we still talking? I can’t think anymore. I told the group that I needed to get going, but I ended up staying on for the final few minutes while we coordinated our next call. 

After the call ended, I took a deep breath and got curious about what was happening to me physically and emotionally. At first, it felt like anger, but then I sensed more specifically, it was resentment. I felt bitter about being on a call on a Saturday morning when I really wanted to be reading, writing, or catching up on random tasks. It became clear what was okay and not okay with me. Independent work on the weekends was okay. Interactive meetings on the weekends were not okay, as they did not offer the same felt sense of freedom. 

As I sat with the awareness, it felt really empowering, and my resentment around the situation dissolved. I recognized that I had agreed to the meeting, and I had chosen to stay on the call when it passed the end time. I had chosen to cross my own boundaries. I had just not realized they were my boundaries until resentment sounded the alarm. 

I focused on my freedom of choice moving forward. I knew that, unless absolutely necessary, I would not schedule a weekend meeting again. It was a meaningful trust-building moment with myself. I felt deeply cared for and supported by ME.

Processing Resentment

When we feel resentful toward someone or something, it’s easy to feel like a victim and make up stories about how awful the other person(s) involved is. Research shows that our brains actually reward us chemically for identifying villains, victims, and heroes. The challenge is that the stories we make up are usually not true, and they often lead to us complaining about people and contributing to an unhappy environment. 

The most constructive response to resentment (or any other emotion for that matter) is the duo of acceptance and curiosity. When you notice yourself feeling resentment, welcome it! Be grateful for the message it brings. Ask yourself:

• What is really bothering me here? What am I tolerating?
• Where does it feel like this person(s)/thing has crossed the line with me?
• What is okay and not okay with me here, regardless of what anyone else might think? 
• What boundaries would allow me to enjoy myself at this moment?
• What can I learn from this situation that will help me honor myself in the future?
• How can I share/honor my boundaries from a place of self-love (and not self-protection/fear)?

BOUNDARIES, NOT WALLS

Setting boundaries from a place of self-compassion is healthy and inspiring. When your boundary is intended to honor what is most loving to you and what is most productive, and it is not coming from a place of anger, it doesn’t feel quite so personal. It also isn’t focused on shutting people out. People may not be thrilled will your boundary, but they won’t feel as much of a need to defend themselves. 

Below are some examples of setting boundaries by focusing on what you want and need, instead of focusing on victims and villains: 

• Maria has been missing deadlines and not showing up for meetings, but you know she’s going through a hard time. Maria, it’s okay to ask for some creative workarounds to help you get through this difficult time, but it’s not okay to miss deadlines or meetings. I want to deliver top-notch service to our clients, and your attendance and reliability are essential for that. If you can’t make this work, I need to find someone else who can. What support can I give you to ensure you do not miss any deadlines or meetings? 

• Emerson talks so much. It drives you crazy! But it feels so mean to give him that feedback. If you find yourself getting resentful or annoyed with a talkative person, remember you have a choice. The person isn’t doing anything wrong. You are choosing not to honor your own needs and preferences at that moment. Give yourself permission to kindly interrupt with your perspective or bow out of the conversation. Yes, it’s awkward for a few moments, but you will feel empowered. And you will be preventing yourself from sitting in resentment, which is not loving at all. If he does feel slightly wounded by the interruption, he will likely be more concise with you next time, and you will enjoy him even more. Some ways to interrupt: “Emerson, I need to stop you right there. I have to go prepare for XYZ, but thanks for sharing all of that.” Or, if he his monopolizing the conversation in a meeting: “Emerson, I’m going to interrupt you for a moment. I’d like to be mindful of the time we have remaining, and we haven’t heard much from John or Delaney yet. I want to hear their thoughts.”       

• Grace is doing the bare minimum, and even that requires some prompting. It’s annoying, but it would require so much work to replace her. Grace, it’s okay that you are not working lots of overtime. It’s not okay that I’ve had to prompt you 2-3 times before you followed through with your assigned tasks. I don’t want to micromanage. I really want to trust that my staff will follow through on their own initiative. Help me understand what is going on and how you plan to address this concern.  

• Micah is 23 years old living at home and is not contributing around the house, but you know he’s in a rough place. Micah, it’s okay that you are living at home right now as you try to figure out your next steps. It’s not okay to expect us to cook and clean for you. I don’t want to feel resentful toward you. I want to enjoy sharing space with you. What I’d like, so that I can feel good about this living arrangement, is for you to pay $X/month in rent, be responsible for taking out the trash, and clean your bathroom weekly. As long as you are contributing in those ways, you are welcome to stay. Otherwise, you’ll need to find other options.  

Choosing Courage over Comfort

If you do not learn from your resentment and set boundaries, that is a choice. While it might seem like the easier choice, it is likely not the most loving one for you or anyone else around you. No matter how hard you try to hide it, most people feel your resentment. And your body definitely experiences it.

Choose discomfort over resentment. ~ Brené Brown

Sure, it was uncomfortable for a few minutes after I told my colleagues that I no longer wanted to meet on the weekends, but with a little patience and flexibility, we were able to figure out an alternative day. And I felt even more appreciation for them. My resentment truly was a gift. It gave me the opportunity to advocate for myself and reclaim the authorship of my life.

Next time you experience resentment wrapped in anger, bravely open the gift and be grateful for the opportunity to get even more connected to YOU.