Emma is all moved in now at Furman University. We are all adjusting to the new normal.

Nothing really does prepare you for the first little birdie leaving the nest. I knew I’d be sad to see her leave, but I also knew she was ready to spread her wings. (It’s so cliché, but it is such a good metaphor.) What I didn’t expect was the explosive resentment that I would feel toward everything that had been distracting me from focusing on her and enjoying her for the past few years.

Surprise Emotions

As soon as Emma’s bags were lined up by the front door last week and the work-related demands kept coming, the anger hit me. I hated my business for consuming me yet generating so little income. I hated my volunteer work for dominating my time. I hated Maryland. I hated myself for choosing to make my life so complicated. I hated myself for my lack of focus over the past four years, as I have struggled mightily to articulate my marketing message. Damn marketing. I sobbed hysterically in my bedroom for about two hours, hating everything, except my family. When Chris discovered me, he gently rubbed my back and just listened to my ranting and wailing. (I think he quietly canceled a meeting, too, as I’m not sure he has ever seen me in such a state.) He didn’t try to fix me, tell me it was going to be okay, or make it about him in any way. He gave me just what I needed, the freedom to unload all of my ugly and sad thoughts without feeling judged. He heard some hard words. I wanted to give up on everything. I wasn’t suicidal, but I wanted to escape and go start life over somewhere where I could focus on what really matters to me. I felt like I had made a mess of my life, and in the process, I had neglected to focus on my sweet girls. My heart ached. That was the shitty first draft of my story for the past four years.

Releasing Emotions

Although I did believe I could get out of my emotional place, I expected it would take several days of heavy lifting – journaling, meditating, praying, tapping, working with a coach, etc. But to my surprise, once I allowed all of my emotions, my energy shifted. I felt so much lighter. I was able to revise my shitty first draft to reflect a more life-giving perspective of my parenting (e.g., My relationship with the girls is so special…I have modeled healthy striving for them creating a business that I love… I’ve also taught them so much about understanding and appreciating individual differences that Emma wrote her common app college essay about it… Learning how to fend for themselves is healthy… ) Being in that intense emotional state also taught me a good bit about myself and gave me some clarity around my business. I wish I could say I am back to 100%, but that would be a lie intended to impress you with superhuman resilience. I do still have some ‘figuring out’ to do. I’m doing well, though, and I am not sad anymore. I haven’t cried since that afternoon last week. I didn’t even cry when we hugged Emma goodbye in the hallway of her dorm. I only felt excitement for her.

New Beginnings

Now I am focused on new beginnings.

A new relationship with Emma. I no longer need to assign chores or enforce rules or curfews. I get to simply listen to her tell me stories about what she is learning about life and herself.

A new relationship with time. I am no longer needed in the middle of the day to pick up Melanie at school and shuttle her to gymnastics, as she got her driver’s license last month. My schedule is my own.

A new relationship with my business. I am determined to take more risks for the sake of helping others, instead of staying safe and small.

A new relationship with ME. I want to start living more like I have a choice because I always do. I want to start honoring myself more and letting go of the insatiable need to be liked. My new mantra is: People are going to like me or not like me, and that’s okay. Trying to persuade them comes at too high of a cost. Besides, their choice doesn’t affect me unless I let it.

I’m thankful for cathartic life experiences that inspire new beginnings.

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