It was ugly. Chris came home from the grocery yesterday (a new role he has undertaken) with a full trunk. Several minutes passed before I came downstairs to help him unload. By the time I did, he was fuming, and he made it very clear how angry he was. See, for the decades I was responsible for grocery shopping, I requested that everyone come help me unload and unpack when I returned home. I would literally send the same text to all of them before leaving the grocery store, “Will be home from grocery in 15 minutes. Be ready to help.” If they weren’t there to greet me, I would get loud. (I prefer to let my “wants” be known to prevent me from getting resentful.) Chris was always ready to help when I arrived. The girls often helped but sometimes needed a bit of loud encouragement.

Let Your Wants Be Known

Naturally, Chris was upset that it took so long for me to help him with the groceries. He said I was being a hypocrite and that it really irritated him. I exploded inside. I was defensive and angry. The story I told myself was that he was being unreasonable and was keeping score. I hate keeping score and we do it far too often. Besides, he hadn’t sent the text! I didn’t know when he would be arriving. (The truth is when I heard the garage door open, I had swiftly run upstairs to get dressed and brush my teeth. I wanted to be out of my pjs and ready for my day by the time he returned.)

Instead of blowing up at Chris, I just scowled and armored up. I refused to talk. So did he. In my head, I rehearsed a dozen cruel ways to unload my anger on him. I suspect he was doing the same. For 20 minutes, we unloaded groceries and cleaned the kitchen in heated silence. Then, unexpectedly, Chris came from behind and rested his forehead on my shoulder and said, “I could have handled that so much better.” Immediately, I dropped all of my armor, and my fury dissolved. “Me, too, oh my gosh I feel like such a jerk. I was just so defensive because I was feeling shame for not getting more done around the house while you were gone. I’m so sorry.” We were able to discuss what had happened and work through it in about 2 minutes, and I am 100% more motivated to help him next time. Not out of guilt, but out of love. He also plans to send that text that he forgot I used to send. Gosh, I don’t know how long I would have stayed armored up, but I am so glad Chris took the first step. Life is too short.

Disarm Your Anger

I share this story to inspire you to be the one who (metaphorically) puts your forehead on the should of your friend, lover, or family member, and say, “I could have handled that much better” and mean it. Even though we both had every reason to be upset with each other, Chris owned his part. Immediately and almost involuntarily, I owned mine. No positive outcomes are guaranteed, which is why such a move is vulnerable, but vulnerability connects. I believe it with my WHOLE heart. I love you all.

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